Lessons Hard Earned – Big Mistakes
We all have that one lesson that hooks us, kicks our butt and keeps us coming back for more. We know it, we see it coming and we fall into again. Here’s mine:
I used to roll my eyes when someone would ask that question, “What was the hardest lesson for you to learn?”… I was irritated because I hated to admit how many times I have done the same thing over and over and over again. What is it they call that? — the definition of insanity? …
“I can’t believe I did it again!” has been an anthem for me. Following my instincts is without a doubt the number one lesson I struggle with. Learning it was easy; following it, well that’s another issue.
Here’s how the story goes – I have to go to the store to pick up Y item. Easy enough, I will take Bloom Street and head straight…
CAUTION, CAUTION, alarms go off all over my body — why, that feels like something I should pay attention to. I notice all the emotions, the thoughts and the panic that goes with it.
Here’s the interesting part: “Why?” my head says, “Excuse me but we’re on a mission here — heading to the store — why do we have to listen to this drama all the time…it’s just a trip to the store, RIGHT?”
It’s never just a trip to the store in my world.
The struggle between trust and power. Let the battle begin. Very in tune body and spirit gets big insight only for smart brain to kick into override mode and ignore all the signs. I decide it’s not that big a deal, just keep going. So as I head on to Bloom Street, it happens…the construction zone becomes traffic hell — big grumbles:
I knew this was coming, didn’t I? Sure I did, my instincts were screaming at me to head in a different direction!
WHEN WILL I LEARN???
As I sit in traffic, I swear this will never, ever happen again. I will trust my instincts and not allow my brain to smart talk me anymore. This day it’s just a trip the store. What about the moments that I dismissed the warning about the boy, the business deal gone south, the deal that sounded too good to be true? I’m sure you can fill in the blank of your own horror story. I’ve rubbed up against this one so many times. There must be a better way.
Ahh, but lessons are only lessons when we can see what they are teaching us.
The lesson underlying this for me is about trust. Trusting what?
Trusting my experience…
Letting go of my perceived power, the ego that reins in small wins, the ability to “save” 30 seconds of time. Trusting that what is truly meant for me will be there – on time. No shortcut required.
Well, this time I get it – I will listen from now on. Well, of course I will, won’t I?
Two days later, my call with web designers is taking place. Awesome, I want to love them. I feel good about this. We’re moving forward…hmmm, interesting…
CAUTION, CAUTION, alarms are ringing, this feels cold and awkward. I want to feel warm and fuzzy. No worries, breathe in — smart brain is about to step in, “Ok, we need this to work. This site needs to get done NOW”. Again with the drama! Good, great, let’s do this — send the contract! What? Override, override…
Can you guess how well this played out? Yep, we suck as a team. We cannot create one thing that we agree on. Shock? No, not really. Oh, WHEN WILL I LEARN?
What is it I’m trying to gain by going against my grain? It’s the fear that the Universe will not give me what I want, as fast or as pink as I want it. It’s here that I’ve had to be still and breathe. Putting down my armor against the perceived withholding from life. Go forward and trust. Anything I grab for isn’t worth the having. Pink can be more beautiful when mixed with other colors. All I ever have to do is show up and listen. Ahh, the grace to lean in comes when I show up and listen. This is what allows my heart to beat slower and more steady each time I stand in that open space. I only lose my footing when I try to get ahead of myself.
There is no sidestepping the path, the path is the path…I often think of this when I’m out for a run. My head loves trying to get to the third mile, while my body is still at the first mile. That can only happen by placing one foot in front of the other and being in the space I am in. This is my lesson.
This is my crazy. I know it, I see it, and I still do it. Now I do it less but I still struggle with my head overriding my instinct.
The inside story of this is about trust and fear. My instincts are all about trust and knowing from a place of simply knowing. No real effort, it’s the gift of guidance we are all born with. The gift I have tried to ignore and beat down. This is where I sabotage and where I need to love more — my place of trusting.
I call this lesson hard-earned because I suffered greatly in the owning of this one. I punished myself for not trusting then overrode the knowing again! Breaking this cycle required lots of love and patience. It was slowing down the process and lots of blind faith.
I have more days on the side of trust, but I still wander to the “lessons to learn” side. Instincts and thought are both brilliant in their own right…they simply need to reign over their own realm and not step on each other’s toes. It’s then that flow occurs and I find myself in sync with my life.
Trust, balance and the grace to allow them to flow.